Sitting here tonight thinking about why I continue to sabotage myself in my fitness journey. The last few months I feel like I’ve been going through the motions. My workouts have been consistent but my diet has gone way off track and I’m starting to see the side effects on my scale. I worked way too hard to get to this point and I CANNOT go back. I tell myself this every morning but continue to make inconsistent food choices. I’ve been visiting The convenience store or vending/ soda machine way too often or going up for a bagel sandwich at work. Where has my self-control gone? I know when it comes down to it I’m just being lazy. I’ve allowed foods back into my diet I never should have. A friend and former coach used to say that in her journey she just had to tell herself she could not eat certain foods. The initial taste was not worth the long term effects of eating bad food. I am going to try and create a restriction list for foods that I just cannot control myself enough around – soda/bagels. I hope this helps me get back on track. I have to do better. I have many more goals to crush. For all those on a similar journey, don’t be like me. Don’t allow yourself to make excuses and break healthy habits. It’s so much harder to get back on track. Don’t me like me and keep saying tomorrow I’ll do better. Start today!

This blog is a little bit off script from what I had planned to write, but that’s ok! I wanted this blog to be a timeline of my journey from where I started until my present day, but tonight I’m taking a pause from that and writing about what’s been on my mind.

I’m currently in the middle of a 6 week challenge at our gym. I started with the best of intentions to get my eating back on track and continue on with the workouts. The one thing I’ve found is that I really enjoy working out. It feels like a great accomplishment after Its over even though I may be swearing under my breath at my coaches along the way. The weekend workouts at my gym are my favorite. They always have a good variety and the vibe with all the members working out alongside me is great. I was just thinking about how my mindset has changed in the last year or so. Before when people asked what my plans were for the weekend the answer was usually; “relaxing” at home aka doing nothing, meeting up with friends, or hanging with family. Now when someone asks me what I’m doing my very first answer is go to the gym. When I’m traveling and can’t get to the gym on the weekends it’s so hard for me. I’ve gone from craving doing nothing to trying to figure out some way some how to make it to the gym Saturday and Sunday. While it takes a toll on my new car, it’s about 30 miles one way to the gym, it is always worth it.

My biggest hurdle is food. While the gym during these challenges provides recipes and meal plans, i just find it very hard to be consistent with them. I find some excuse like not having enough time or the fact I hate leftovers as a reason to go off plan and eat something I shouldn’t be. The last two months have been BAD. Soda which I had given up for over a year is back in my daily routine. I’m back to visiting our vending machines at work on a daily basis. I’m starting to gain a little bit of the weight I’ve lost back 😦 I’m so scared that this is going to lead to a full collapse of everything I’ve worked so hard to lose. Where did that strong will and determination go from the last year?

Tomorrow is a new day. I’ve done some meal prep and am ready to get my mind right again as a wise woman once told me. Before you can get your life right you have to get your mind right. For those of you who may be facing similar struggles, I feel your pain. But let’s stop saying we’ll get back on track tomorrow and start now! My goal for this week is no food other than what I bring to work and hitting my water goals at least 5 of 7 days. I’m also going to start a log of what I eat which I hope will help hold me more accountable.

I’m tired of taking steps back – time to move forward!

If I had a dollar for all the minutes/hours/days I waste worrying about things out of my control I’d be rich! I would not be living in IL – you would find me on a beach or traveling the country.

Ever since I was a kid I have been self-conscious. The Junior high years are not an easy age for anyone but I think it’s especially rough for girls. I remember the day I got my braces on like it was yesterday. I had to miss a school trip to get them on. As most people with new braces do, I was still getting used to how they felt in my mouth. I was sitting in scholastic bowl practice and one of the girls pointed and laughed at me and was commenting oh look what she’s doing now and mimicked how I was moving my mouth around to get adjusted to the braces. This was something that happened over 15 years ago but I remember it as if it was yesterday. I felt so small. I was embarrassed. I wanted to cry but couldn’t.

All I have ever wanted was to fit in and be “normal” and accepted. Instead the teasing I experienced only further ostracized me because I began to obsess about what I thought kids in class were saying about me. I would see people whispering and just assumed they must be talking about me. I let them get in my head. I let them win. I realize that now but back then as a teenager I did not. I just kept thinking what can I do to make them stop making fun of me.

I wish I could flash forward to today and say I’ve figured it all out, but I haven’t. I still worry and stress about things that are out of my control. I still care too much about what other people think of me. But what this fitness journey is teaching me is that I’m enough and it shouldn’t matter what anyone else things. So going forward I’m going to focus on being a warrior and not a worrier….

An idea came to me yesterday to start a fitness blog. A year ago I would have never dreamed of saying those words. A year ago I was the heaviest I had been in my life. Then a friend sent a text that changed my life. I want this blog to be a way for me to document my fitness journey and if there’s a chance it can help others along the way then that’s a bonus.

A little background on me. I grew up in a small town in IL, the youngest of 3 kids. I was a super shy kid. I was famous for looking at the ground when talking to people. Confidence is something I have always struggled with. I have never liked how I looked. I was horribly ridiculed and bullied in jr high school. In order to deal with all of that, I began to just not care. I ate my feelings. In my mind I thought why bother trying to look good. It was easier to hide under the weight then deal with the bullying and stand up for myself. Deep down – I grew to believe I didn’t deserve to be happy. In my mind I thought I’m ugly and nothing will change that so I might as well enjoy something and that was food.

As I got older, I continued the same pattern. Instead of dealing with the issues I was experiencing or feeling, I just became more introverted. I continued to use food as a way to temporarily feel better. But it only really made me worse – it just took me awhile to realize it.

In early 2018, I got a text from a dear friend asking if I wanted to sign up for a gym challenge with her. I thought about it and decided what did I have to lose. Little did I know that my whole life was about to change…

Over the next few weeks I’ll continue my story and lessons I’ve learned along the way. Below is a picture of me from 2012 (it might explain why I’ve been asked 3 times in my life when my baby was due when I’ve never been pregnant – note to everyone: never ask a woman how far along she is )

YOU ARE ENOUGH TODAY. YOU WERE ENOUGH YESTERDAY. YOU WILL BE ENOUGH TOMORROW.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton